What I might have been doing

Before I begin:  You should know that I’m not sad.  I’m happy, I’m fulfilled, I’m looking forward to the future.  This post is about what I might have been doing if things hadn’t happened the way they did 18 months ago.  It’s about remembering and honoring.  Sometimes I will write when I am sad, but not now.  I am thankful.

I wonder if we would have had a theme.  Pink and brown polka dots? Firetrucks? Fluffy pink tutus? Dinosaurs?

This weekend might have been the weekend we celebrated the first birthday of our child.  My due date was one year ago this week.  It’s okay this year.  Last year was hard.  It was actually very hard to think about what might have been.  By the grace and goodness of God, today is okay.

It’s kind of amazing what God has done for me in the past year.  He brought my joy back.  He reminded me of a hope and a future.  He surprised me with blessings and then surprised me some more.  I was in a pit, and He pulled me out.

Someday (soon) I’ll do a series of posts about my baby.  The anticipation, the preganancy, the loss, the recovery which is never really over I think.  But for tonight, just a simple acknowledgement of what I might have been doing.   I might have been rocking my baby to sleep and staying up late to decorate a cake.  We might have had hats, we certainly would have had ice cream.  Sticky baby in a diaper.  We would have laughed.

Tiny baby you are loved and forever remembered…forever.

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One thought on “What I might have been doing

  1. Maggie and me were just talking the other day about how your baby would have turned 1 right around now and wondering how hard that would be so I’m really glad to read that God has made this week okay for you.

    And yes, I bet you would have been staying up late making a cake, cleaning house, etc. It runs in the family! 🙂

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