honesty

To be perfectly honest,

I wish I had my own kids.  As much as I trust God’s timing and as confident as I am that I will have kids at my house next Christmas morning, I really wish I had kids at my house this year.

I wish I didn’t have a miscarriage 2 years ago and that I would have an 18 month old in our family pictures this year.  I wish I had bought a new stocking hanger that year to go alongside the others.  I wish I had needed to use the fabric I bought 8 years ago, the year I first made Zerbe stockings.

I wish life worked out nicely for children.  I wish kids didn’t have to decide which parent to see on Christmas morning and which one to postpone until later in the day.  I wish parents didn’t have to wake up to an empty house because this year it isn’t their turn.  I wish orphans didn’t cry themselves to sleep because of the family they are wishing for.  But, if we’re really being honest, most of the orphans in the world don’t even have the concept of a family to wish for.

And honestly, I wonder what my biological children would look like.  I wonder what it would be like to have a full term pregnancy.  I wonder what breastfeeding would be like.  I wonder…why this is all creeping up on me tonight?

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2 thoughts on “honesty

  1. I wonder where 4 men would be without you in their lives. Actually, I just know where they wouldn’t be, and I like where they are.

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