Infertility, Loss, Adopting 5 under 5…what a journey!

This post…began telling a story of infertility, which is painful and confusing and always heartbreaking.  But that’s not where my story stops.  So you get a little sprinkling of infertility, miscarriage, finding peace and blessings, and then finally a family through adoption

Oh it’s been a while since I blogged about infertility.  Or maybe I never really did? I really began blogging after we started our adoption journey.  I’ve written a little about our miscarriage in December 2008.  But maybe I never wrote much about infertility.  Thanks to Kelly, I’m going to take this late Friday night opportunity…

I’ve been married for 10 years, never been on birth control, been pregnant once…so without a formal diagnosis of infertility, I’m pretty sure I meet the definition. Rob and I married in December 2003 and I was pretty much ready to be a stay at home mom.  Ya know, maybe since I was like 7 I was ready to be a stay at home mom. Married at the ripe ol’ age of 26 and ready! We weren’t officially “trying” right away, but that doesn’t mean we didn’t bend the rules of NFP that first year of marriage.  I did not look forward to returning to teaching in the fall of 2004.  But since there was no baby (and no vast amount of money to live off) I put on my Pollyanna face and started my second year at Claremore High School.  And I was sure I’d get pregnant and be home with a baby soon.  But I didn’t.  That’s when the months of disappointment began.
Anyone that has waited any amount of time to be pregnant knows what I’m talking about.  Every month spending at least two weeks hoping, and possibly the next two weeks being disappointed.  Month after month.  Ugh. I think it was that summer (2005?) that my doctor did some initial blood work because at that point we had been more officially “trying” for a year.  Everything came back fine.  Yay. I just continued to be obsessed with Fertility Friend message boards(you people who have walked this path know what I’m talking about…and you people that haven’t, don’t even start to judge) and due date calculators (because just in case it happens this month!) and even googling “pregnancy announcement ideas for every single season of the year” (because surely it’ll happen this month and wont it be fun to tell everyone!) And if I could fast forward 5 years I probably would have had a secret Pinterest board to plan everything…I just wouldn’t have told you I did.  Just like I wouldn’t tell you that I bought a scrapbook and more than one pair of baby shoes on clearance…saving for someday.

So I didn’t go back to teaching in the fall of 2005…that’s a whole other story that God used to land me at The Little Light House in November 2005. Ahhh…what a place to spend time teaching and serving…until I could get pregnant and stay home. Yep. Always on my mind.  Always.

But most of you know that The Little Light House is more than just a place to work. I worked and loved and learned and grew closer to the Lord alongside some of the most wonderful Christian women (and a man or two!) I have ever met.  And so somewhere along the way I became so peaceful about not being pregnant. I knew I was married to the right man at the right time.  I knew I was working at the right place at the right time.  I hoped I was doing a decent job of using my talents and abilities to improve the lives of children with special needs.  And I loved it.

Don’t get me wrong, I still wanted to be a mama.  But I was enjoying being a teacher and becoming an aunt (over and over and over!) and we knew adoption was in our future.  Someday.  International adoption, almost certainly.  Special needs adoption, probably. LLH was working with professionals in China, which really opened my eyes to the need for adoptive families internationally.  International adoption is crazy expensive and we were working to pay off some stupid tax (credit card debt, among other things)…but adoption was in our future.

And then, for reasons I can never know or understand fully…I got pregnant in the fall of 2008.  I cried major happy tears that October morning as I crawled back into bed and told Rob the news.  Nothing different that month, at all. And I only happened to take a test because I was going to get a flu shot that day and wondered if maybe it mattered if I was pregnant…but surely I’m not.  And then I was.

And we had so much fun telling people. It was right before Halloween…so we got all cutesy with a costume and that’s how we told most of our close friends and family.  And oh, was it fun to announce it at work! Super fun.

And then it was Thanksgiving break and I went for a doctor’s appointment. And there was no heartbeat.  So I went to the hospital for another ultrasound.  No heartbeat.  And it was terrible.

We decided to wait for my body to miscarry naturally.  We could have scheduled a procedure or I could have taken medicine to start the process.  But I wanted to wait.

And then it was Christmas break and I miscarried at home, but had to go to the ER and nearly required a blood transfusion.  And it was terrible.
And I really can’t understand why I had to go through that.  Because I was honestly at peace with not being pregnant.  Honestly.  And then the monthly cycles of hopefulness and sadness started over.  Because surely I would get pregnant again.

But I didn’t.

And life was hard.  Not peaceful. Hard.

It took me a year to get back to a peaceful place.  A whole year later, God reminded me (ok, maybe He was reminding me the whole time, but it took me a year to hear) that He has a plan and a purpose for me. And I felt good about my place in life.  Excited about my work at The Little Light House and excited about the things I could do there. So excited!

And then, He DOUBLY blessed me! He brought me out of my pit and back to peace and purpose.  And then he sent me to China…twice. In the Spring and Summer of 2010 I was blessed to travel to China with LLH to work alongside wonderful people who do great things for orphans with special needs. 

In between those two trips…we decided to pursue adoption via the Oklahoma foster care system.  *Which is a whole other journey how we ended up deciding to adopt from the US in between my trips to Chinese orphanages?!) And one year later, our 5 under 5 moved into our home and let us into their hearts.

This blog used to be called While I’m Waiting.  I browsed some old posts today and read about what my life looked like while I was waiting.  Not too shabby.  Not shabby at all.

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2 thoughts on “Infertility, Loss, Adopting 5 under 5…what a journey!

  1. Your story is amazing! My sister is suffering from secondary infertility. She and her husband are looking to adopt through the foster system as well.

    I look forward to following along with your blog now, because I am a fellow Okie! We have 4 kiddos and I love finding out how other big families do it.

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